One Last Ride: The End

The 2019-20 season marks the sixth season of hockey that I've written about and photographed at Adrian College. It's also special because it marks my senior year of college here at Adrian, where I'll graduate with my bachelor's degree in May.

Over the summer, I decided I wanted to write a book about my journey for not just the past six years that I've spent taking photos and writing blog posts, but about the better part of the last ten or so years of my life that have been consumed by Adrian College Hockey. The final chapter will be about this season, my last ride, if you will, and I've decided to commemorate it with the occasional blog post.

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The end.

It's something you try not to think about your first three years of college, you push it off into the back of your head and it only crosses your mind once a year during senior night as you watch your friends play their final home games and final games of their careers. It doesn't get real, or at least it didn't for me, until junior year when you realize that you're going to be in the shoes of the seniors in just a year and that the end is closer than the beginning.

I've been trying not to think about the end for myself and my fellow seniors much this year, I would like to think I was in denial until the week of D1 senior night, but that reality came and slapped me in the face real quick.

On senior night, the only consolation is that there's still a lot of hockey left to play. For the D1 team, that meant the GLCHL Playoffs the next weekend in Grand Rapids and then Nationals two weeks later in Dallas, there was a very strong possibility that there would be 6 more games in the season.

That meant six (four if you count that I would miss the GLCHL Championship game and if we had gone to Dallas, missing the first game of the tournament in person), chances to do what I do before it was over. It meant that there was a chance that the season and my career of doing whatever exactly it is I do could end on a happy note, with a National Championship and a win for the guys I had grown so close to.

But then it was over, just like that.

No promise to reschedule, just over.

It was heartbreaking for me, a non athlete, I cannot imagine what my friends are feeling and it's even harder to imagine the heartbreak my fellow seniors are feeling when their final chance for another National Championship was taken from them.

It's one kind of heartbreak when your season ends with a hard fought loss, three years ago today that's how the season ended for the D1 team in the National Semi Finals. It ended the same way last year. But we all had a taste of how it could end two years ago.

I started writing this post on March 13th, trying to figure out what the world looks like when I can no longer do what I've done and what's brought me joy, passion and most importantly a whole new family for the last six years. The irony of it all is that two years ago today was one of the best days of my life, the thrill of winning a national championship filled the day, last year the memories of the year prior made me smile but today they're bittersweet.

Two years ago, we had a phenomenal senior class that represented a turning point in the program. They'd come so close the year prior and there didn't seem like there was any other way that was fair to them than to go out winning it all. As the season went on, I just kept thinking to myself that there was no way that the season would end any other way than with a win. it obviously did and that was that.

This season was similar, maybe I'm biased but this class and this team was on another level when it came to depth and talent and I had this feeling deep down that they would be winning it all again come March. The senior class, Coach Gary Astalos' first class that he'd coached for four years, represented another turning point in the program, a turning point that made us legitimate contenders every year. That feeling just got stronger as the season began and they went on a twenty nine game winning streak and only lost to the #2 team in the country twice and by only one goal each time. They bounced back from their first losses of the season with a 16-0 win and then went on and won playoffs.

I was excited to go down to Dallas, to get possibly three more games with my people and to do what I love three more times and end it the only way I ever thought would be fair.

But then it didn't.

When they cancelled face to face classes and other events Thursday morning, I felt like the cancellation was inevitable, but it didn't mean it hurt any less.

All of the sudden, it was over and there was nothing I could do about it.

It's one thing to end the season in a heartbreaking loss, I've been there for those both last year and freshman year. It hurts, it's sad and everyone is upset. but everyone is upset together, you're with your people, the seniors know it's the last time they'll pull that jersey over their heads and step off of the ice and the delay it as much as they can. You don't get to do that when your season gets cancelled because of some crazy pandemic.

At the same time, the NCAA team, who was supposed to have a game Saturday night, announced that they were limiting fans at the game to family and essential team personnel. I felt very important to be deemed essential personnel for a few hours before they cancelled the game that evening. It was heartbreaking all over again, it was at least going to give me a "last game" at Arrington Ice Arena, the place I knew and loved and cherished and now I didn't even get that.

I didn't get one last week with the boys, I didn't get one last week with their families and now I didn't get one last game at Arrington Ice Arena. I was crushed.

There's so much uncertainty right now, we don't know when school will resume normally, I don't know for sure what I'll be doing in six months or even after graduation and I don't like uncertainty or change. I thought I had two more weeks of normalcy but it was ripped from my hands against my will. The only thing holding me together was the promise of a week away to write a storybook ending and now I feel like I'm falling apart without it.

I can't imagine how my fellow seniors are feelings, the ones who didn't realize the the last time they took of an Adrian jersey would be the last time they took of their jersey. That the last time they touched the ice as Bulldogs would be the last time. My heart hurts for them as much as it hurts me for my personal journey to be over. To my fellow seniors - I'm so sorry, you deserved so, so much more. You all deserved to fight for the end of your season, you deserved to either go out with the biggest win of your life or go out fighting and kicking and screaming.

To my D1 boys, my seniors, Marcel, Shegs, Rainer, Dom, Frat and Barzy, the people I feel like I've grown up with the last four years, you deserved more. I've had this feeling deep down all season that this was your year, this was our year to go out on top like the Class of 2018 did two years ago. To be totally cheesy and quote Taylor Swift, I've had the time of my life with you. The ups and downs of the last four years, I wouldn't have wanted to go through them with anyone else. You deserved to go out with a win and I choose to believe that you would've gone out with a win on March 24th. Thank you for making the last four years so memorable. I love you all and I wish you could've ended it the way we all wanted to. I don't know what the future holds for any of us, all I know is that we all deserved a better ending than what we were given.

To the underclassmen, the rest of my boys, come out next season with a vengeance, the same one you all had this year after how last season ended. Come back next year and kick ass and take names and win a National Championship. You have what it takes, I know you do and everyone else knows you do to. Thank you for the last one, two and three years of friendship and hockey and having me be a part of this wonderful family. I may not get to do everything I've done next year but I promise you I'm not gone yet.

To the parents, I love you all and couldn't have imagined the amazing family I've gained through this team in the last few years. We've laughed and cried together, celebrated wins and comforted each other after losses. I'm beyond thankful for you and the support you've given me the last four years.

I wasn't supposed to write anything about "the end" for another two weeks, it wasn't supposed to end like this but it did. It's been two days and I haven't quite come to terms with that and I might not ever come to terms with it.

Sometimes you don't know that the end is really the end. I wish I would've known it two years ago when my hockey career ended abruptly and somewhat traumatically and I wish I would've known last week when I was at playoffs watching the boys play for the last time.

The biggest lesson this crazy four years of school and hockey has taught me is that you don't know when the end could be, don't take a single moment with the people you call your second family for granted, I know I won't. And don't take the time you get to spend with your brothers and sisters on and off the ice for granted either, you only get four years and it flies by. Cherish every time you get to step on the ice, every time you get ran in practice and every time you put the puck in the net.

Because you never know when it will all be over.